Wife In A Coma Gets Some Action
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several
years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor
who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right
breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right
breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor.
The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then
suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as
it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes
in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor
his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happened to which the man replied,
"I dunno, I guess she choked."
Genitals In The Alligator's Mouth
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator
will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove
my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy
me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open
mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The
gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood
up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up
in the back of the bar. A man timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Lesbian Vampire
Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: "See you next month"
Whales Getting Revenge
A family of whales was swimming around on a nice day. Suddenly a boat with
harpooners came and killed the baby whale. A few years went by and the same boat
came around again. When the father whale saw it, he said that they should pay
those bastards back for killing their son. He turned to the wife and said
"lets go under the boat and blow as hard as we can then tip the boat
over." The wife agreed, so they went under the boat and blew as hard as
they could and tipped the boat over. They went back to the top and saw all of
the men swimming to rafts and grabbing life jackets. The dad whale says "We
didn't do enough to them to pay them back, lets go eat some of them now."
The wife said "now hold on a minute I agreed to the blow job but I'm not
going to swallow any sea men."
Jack Visits the Local Brothel
Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. He walks down the street to the local
brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she
can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for
me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him,
"Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She leads Jack into
this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a
second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she
closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his live. When
he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied
customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for
$10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads
him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on
benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him. Jack
gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the
lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two
way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed.
Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to
each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each
other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to
the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks
eh?!". The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we
saw a guy fuck a chicken".
African Roulette
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was
entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the
African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best
hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay
is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian
roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder,
point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people,
and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun the
cylinders, and then pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The
African ambassador was very impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard
about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the
next year.
A year later, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality,
until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace,
the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game,
African roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room where the
only occupants were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of
one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob. Take your
pick."
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the
connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, great, but where's the
roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, "One of them
is a cannibal."
A Man With no Arms or Legs
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either
physically abusive, who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she
put an ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:
1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn't run away from her
3)would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured
that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she
just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it,
and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms
or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you
can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run
away from you." The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in
bed?"
And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I rang the
doorbell?"
A Young Man Goes to the Pharmacy
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're
having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me,
she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The
young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You
never told me that you were such a religious person". He leans over to her
and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist".
Never lie to your Mom
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his
mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful John's room-mate was. She had
long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room-mate, and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and his room-mate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just room-mates."
About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be
sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take
the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy
ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here
for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love,
Mom."
Lesson of the day ...Never Lie to Your Mother
John's Buddy Pays a Visit
A man goes over to his buddy's house and knocks on the door, it opens and there
stands his friends wife. "Is John home?" he asks.
She replies "No I'm sorry he's gone out to run a few errands."
"Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?"
She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen.
"I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I
will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them."
The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is $100. She opens
her robe exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls
out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking
his coffee he asks "Your breast was so beautiful, I've got to see them both
at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them
both."
She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe
giving him a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws
it on the table and says, "I can't wait any longer, I must get going.
Please tell John I came by."
About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and
says "Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes
ago."
John replies, "Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?"
Some Women Decide to Play Golf
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the
two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and
he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said,
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her
hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that
feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell."
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