POOF! POOF!
There were three guys in hell. An Italian guy , a bum and a gay guy. One day the
devil says to them I'm gonna give you one more chance on Earth, but you can't
have your favorite thing. "Italian guy, you can't have any pizza. Bum, you
can never shag money again. Gay guy, you can never have sex with another
man."
So the devil sends them back to Earth and they wind up in front of a pizza shop.
The Italian guy just can't control himself and he runs in and eats a piece of
pizza, POOF! Now the gay guy and the bum are walking down the street and the gay
guy spots a $100 bill and points it out to the bum. The bum bends over and picks
it up with the gay guy behind him and, POOF! POOF!
The Flashing Wife
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest
breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see
one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks
is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and
promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are just so beautiful!
I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see
them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris
thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait
any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife
says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about
this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes
me?"
Not Bad For Wood
A man and woman meet in a bar and start to dance. She comments on how the man is
a wonderful dancer. He says, not bad for a man with a wooden leg, eh? She says,
yeah right, you don't have a wooden leg. Well watch. So he unscrewed his leg and
proved it to her. Later, dropping her off at home he kisses her and she say's my
you embrace me divinely. He says not bad for a man with a wooden arm, huh? They
go inside and play cards with her parents. She say's, my you play a wonderful
game of cards. He say's not bad for a guy with a wooden head eh? She say's you
don't have a wooden head. He say's come into the next room and I'll show you.
The parents waited quite a while but finally look and sure enough he was
screwing his head off.
The Nun & The Bus Driver In Adultery
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she
needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex
before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex
with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem,
he's not married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take
it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the
bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he
had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make,
I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I
have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.
Bouncing & Blowing
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming
from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says,
"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in
your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by
surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach
because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says,
"Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy
replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and
blows him back up!"
The Famous Camel Joke
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the
enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's
the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the
camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess
it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months,
the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN
THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous
sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was
buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do
it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride
into town."
Sexy Golf Lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like
they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson
first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're
gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks
the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like
you'd hold your wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing,
and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to
his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next
day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No,
no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?"
asks the wife." Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's
penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was
great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing
the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
Deaf People Signaling For Sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights
because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze
my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze
my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and
signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME,
reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and pull on my penis...fifty times."
What Different Woman Say After Sex
Hooker asks: "Well sweetheart, did you get your money's worth?"
Mistress; "Darling, did you enjoy that as much as I did?"
Wife; "Beige, beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling Beige."
The Drunk Guy Who Wants That Jar Of Money
A drunk guy walks into a bar and he sees a jar of money he asks the bar keeper
if he could have it. She said yea if you can do these three things. He said o.k.
She said the first one is to knock her boyfriend a body builder down and she
said there's a dog pit-bull in the back with a bad tooth you have to pull it and
there's a 600 pound girl upstairs you have to do her he says O.K so he goes over
to the body builder and lays him flat first punch then he walks out the back
door the bar tender hears the dog yelping then he comes inside and asks the
bartender where's the lady with the bad tooth.
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