Laying Off Sarah Or Jack
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They
were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in
where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making
enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both
Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way
to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a
break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible
headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and
goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith
follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah,
I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
Somehow Pregnant
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our
colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is
cockeyed."
Top Or Bottom For Boy Or Girl
There were women waiting in a doctor's office.
They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because
I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this
time so I'm going to have another girl."
One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the
top."
The last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?"
She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!"
Only I Can Have This!
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls
house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist
taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a
football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a
football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most
private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed
you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and
proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can
have as many of THOSE as I want!
The Fly That Dropped 6 Inches
There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.
A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"
A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump
out of the water, and I'd get it!"
A hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear
will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear"
A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear
would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the
cheese off his sandwich!"
A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear
would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go
get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!"
Suddenly it all happened, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the
bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese,
but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water. The moral of this story is
...
"Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet"
Blew Chunks
There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came
in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he
wasn't drinking anything.
The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."
"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a
little sick after drinking at times!"
"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my
dog!"
The Pain Divider Machine
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them
that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The
machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father
thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set
it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain
than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling
and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same
results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.
After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at
having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little
pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the
mailman dead on their doorstep.
THE GIFT
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as
they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought
a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves
and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man
sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would
have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are
easier to remove".
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the
pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good".
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you
again".
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away
as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing".
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope
you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love".
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."
Dog Cleaning Himself
Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap
wine. Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks.
Directly ahead of them is a flea-bitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning
himself. One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at
the dog, then his crotch and then back at the dog.
He says, "Wow! Would I ever like to be able to do THAT!"
His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside,
"You'd better pet him first, he looks vicious".
Italian Men Spelling Mississippi
A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the
men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again.
Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."
"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only telling' my
friend here how to spell Mississippi."
Make Me Piss Vodka
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in
the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking
vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make
me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home
he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and
it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So
he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She
comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the
cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is
reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever
tasted. The two drink and party all night.
This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian
comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard
and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and
sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills
it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from
the bottle."
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