After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty
bucks at a whorehouse.
He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for
$20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door
on the left.
He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and
pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his
clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.
Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs
down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells,
"Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"
A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her arse.
The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He
says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.
The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with
pus and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to
her arse and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.
Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing,
looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job
fucking disgusting."
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly
threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but
I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed,
"I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you
keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start
fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they
measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline
she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore
says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
Brent has been in jail for 10 long years.
The only thought that gets him through the day is women's bellybuttons. He loves
'em. When he's in the shower, eating a meal, making license plates, sleeping,
avoiding anal rape in the bathroom, that's all he can think about.
So finally, he is released. They give him sixty-five dollars, a cheap suit, and
send him on his way. He makes an immediate bee-line for the nearest whorehouse.
Brent walks in and right up to the sleazy-looking guy behind the desk. "I
need to lick a woman's navel!" he shouts.
"Sorry, sir," the owner says. "We don't serve perverts
here."
Brent grabs the guy by the throat. "Listen!" he screams. "I just
did ten years hard time, and if I don't get to lick some bellybuttons, I might
just kill some-motherfuckin'-body!!!"
The owner directs him to a run-down wooden door. He walks through and sees an
ugly, fat woman. That doesn't bother Brent, though, because not only does she
have huge breasts, she has the deepest navel he's ever seen.
Brent dives in immediately. He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a
while, gets a piece of potato stuck in his teeth. 'Hmmm, I don't remember having
potatoes for breakfast,' he thinks, but he keeps on goin'.
He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a while, he gets a piece of meat
stuck in his teeth. 'I know I haven't eaten meat for a while,' he thinks, but
keeps right on goin'.
He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a while, he gets a piece of corn in
his teeth. That was the last straw. "I think I'm going to be sick, he
moans."
"That's funny," says the whore. "That's what the last guy
said."
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked
like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a
white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to
prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just
murdered a couple of priests."
A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do
you mind not passing me your chewing gum."
The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet)
mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food.
The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?"
"It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was
captured and learned to eat my own shit."
"WHAT?? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe
you!"
Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and
promptly ate it on the spot.
The second guy (now gagging) said, "My God! If you can do that so easily,
we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!"
"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."
The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high
rollers.
"This I gotta see," said one of the gamblers.
"It aint gonna happen," said the other. "No one can eat their own
shit."
"Lets do it," said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit
in front of the vet.
The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table
and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers. In a
rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they
take their winnings and leave.
"We lost it all!!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you
eat the shit??"
"There was a hair in it!" said the vet.
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound
up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic
seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He
finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He
began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's
stuck!"
Young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss. Can I
squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend.
"You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see
you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.
The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches
down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your
sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind....I'm having a shit
instead."
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