A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck."
Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavor ice cream in the world."
"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavored ice cream please."
"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies,
"Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"
Steven Spielberg has a talent for making memorable movies, merchandisers have a knack for turning those movies into products for the kiddies to buy, buy, buy, and Hollywood executives will do just about anything (no, make that anything) to squeeze every last nickel out of a picture. So I dread what must soon be arriving on the toy store shelves, just in time for the holidays:
The Schindler's List E-Z-Bake Action Figures (light bulb not included).
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs wide spread.
One man says: "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!" the other says: "Oh no, it isn't hair, it is dark panties!" Then they made a bet - £100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them.
He did so, but takes all the money and walks away. "What happened, why are you taking the money?!" Asked the waiter.
He replies: "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says,
"Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says,
"Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies.
"It must be your feet, then."
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"
The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night."
The second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night."
The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"
|
