Forget The Children!
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat
begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and
children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest
then replies, "Do we have time for that?"
New Machine For Birth
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them
that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The
machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father
thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set
it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain
than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling
and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same
results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.
After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at
having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little
pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the
mailman dead on their doorstep.
Immigrants Eating Hot Dogs
Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are
wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they
decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.
One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in
America?"
"I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must
do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor
hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park
bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his
partner and says, "Uh, guess which part of the dog I got?"
6 Shots To Get Rid Of That Taste
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded
the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my
first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the
house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
nothing will."
Two Weird Lumberjacks
Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill
starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never
does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips?" asks Bill. John answers,
"It's simple - watch..."
John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs
his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped
lips"? Bill asks, "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me
from licking them"!
Popeye's Johnson
Q: Why is Popeye's Johnson so soft and smooth?
A: He keeps it in Olive Oil.
Biggest Lies Of A Wyoming Cowboy
What are the 3 biggest lies of a Wyoming Cowboy?
1. I won this belt buckle.
2. The truck is paid for.
3. I was just trying to help the sheep over the fence.
College Sweaters
Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When
the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big "Y" on her chest.
The doctor asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"
She replies, "Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he
likes to wear his college sweater."
The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he
notices a big "H" on her chest.
Again, the doctor asks, "How did you get a big "H" on your
chest?" The woman replies "My husband went to Harvard and when we make
love he likes to wear his college sweater."
The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he
examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her
chest. A large "M".
He says, "Don't tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?"
"NO" replies the patient "but my girlfriend went to
Wisconsin"
Superman Gets Horny
One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach
naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding
bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he
zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of
a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then
the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like
hell!"
Questions & Answers
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dictater.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer?
A: A dildo.
My Family Is Gay
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double
vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When
the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas.
The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like
women?"
"Yeah... My wife!"
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