71
An old redneck had been working industriously with a stub pencil and a piece of paper. Suddenly he looked up and smiled. He exclaimed, "Doggoned it Maw, if I ain't done learned to write."
Maw got up and looked at the lines scrawled across the paper. "What does it say" ?
"I don't know", the redneck replied, "I ain't learned to read yet."
72
Sometimes you get funny stuff from your friends. I've got a buddy, owns a German shepherd. The people next door to him own one of those goofy white rabbits they keep in a cage. He came home one Saturday, and his dog is running around the yard WITH THIS RABBIT in his mouth. The rabbit has mud on it, it's got dog spit on it, IT IS DEAD. Instead of being a man and telling the people what happened, he panicked. He took the rabbit away from the dog, took it in the house, washed it off with soap and water, and dried it with a hair dryer. (No pun intended, there.) He waited until it got dark, snuck the rabbit back over next door, put it in the cage like it had a heart attack, and locked the door. A few days later he was out in his yard, and he saw the lady from next door. She came over to the fence and said, "I guess you heard what happened."
He said, "Naw, what?"
She said, "We have had a death in our family."
He said, "Who died?"
She said, "Fluffy. And the weird thing was, after we buried him, somebody digged him back up and put him back in his cage."
73
Went I was in high-school a drive-by shooting meant someone was hangin their rear end out of a car window. We got a few mooners in the crowd. Were
ya' good? I was all state my senior year. Wasn't moonin' a great sport? Nobody ever got hurt; you didn't have to be in shape to play. The fatter you were the more you brought to the window. We were high-tech mooners too. We used to play this game called "Seek and Destroy." What we do, we get my dad's Chrysler with the electric windows. I would drive; my code name was Mother Hen. My two best friends Bomber 1 and Bomber 2 would sit in the back seat with their pants to their ankles. We'd go up and down the interstate all afternoon.
"Chhh...Bomber 1 to mother hen, come in Mother Hen." "Chhh...Yeah, this is mother hen, go ahead Bomber 1."
"Chhh...Ah, yes, permission requested to fire on a 77 Ford Galaxy in the left hand lane."
"Chhh...Permission granted; do you request to press or hang?" "Chhh...Seek permission to hang Mother Hen. Lowering left rear bomb hatch now. Locked loaded, fire when ready.
Ohh...perfect hit! Perfect hit! They're in the ditch! They're in the ditch! Granny is out of the car and clutching her chest. Return to home base!"
74
I'm from Georgia originally, but I live in California now. People out there, they always make fun of the way I talk. I keep
tellin' them they're gonna' be real surprised when they get up to heaven and St. Peter says, "Ya'll get into the truck; we
goin' up to the big house." See, 'cause we have words in the south they don't have in other parts of the country. Now you come to the south, we have words like
Yunt'to. "We goin' to the mall, yunt'to?" What letter does that start with? Does anybody know? I like this word a lot.
A'ight. That's a word in Texas; A'ight. 'Round lunch time every day ya' hear somebody say, "Hey, dijy'eat yet?"
"Nu, didju?" "Yunt'to?" "A'ight." I think probably my favorite southern word of all times; my dad would use this one, like if dogs come in his yard, my dad will run out on his porch and yell,
"Itonoutahere!" We have no idea how you spell it, but it works bygod. And if that one don't work, this one will,
"ighnhhhhhhhh!" That's a bad word there. See the problem I found is that things are just too sophisticated in L.A. Like if out there a guy falls in love, they think they have to buy candy and wine and roses; heck, in the south we spray-paint your name on an overpass. That's true love,
erh. Say it with crylon.
75
A man is having trouble with his business. Whatever he tries, nothing seems to work. Exasperated, he goes to church to ask for an advice. Preacher tell him: "All the answers are in the Bible, my son. Just open it and you'll see an answer to your problem". Businessman follows the advice - he goes home, opens his Bible and the first thing he sees is: "Chapter 11".
76
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?" "Sand, "said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"
77
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put ``Stupidity''. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ``On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation.
The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with
the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items
that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely,
S. Anderson
78
An escaped convict breaks into a young couple's house and ties them up. The husband turns to his young wife and says, "Honey, this guy hasn't had any sex for years. Please, do anything he says...our lives depend on it." She says, "I'm glad you feel that way, because he just mumbled to himself that you have a great ass."
79
A lady's sick of her husband's drinking, so she decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and when her husband walks in from being out all night, she jumps out from behind the sofa and screams. He says, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister."
80
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "WOW...it really works."
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