61
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily
baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral."_
62
At about 3:00, a plane took off for New York. On the plane there was a pilot, boy scout, priest, and the smartest man in the world. All of a sudden the engine blows up and the plane starts going down. The people are startled and start looking for the parachutes. They find them but there are only 3 parachutes. The pilot takes one and says 'This is my plane so I get a parachute.' And then jumps out the door. The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, 'I'm the smartest man in the world and the they will need me down there' And then jumps out the door. The priest goes and grabs the last parachute and says, 'I need to spread my wisdom around the world. Sorry kid.' Then the boy scout all the sudden speaks up and says,
'No...Thats okay. The smartest man in the world just took my nap sack!'
64
A passenger plane is about to crash - the pilot announces there's no hope. A militant feminist stands up and says, "If I'm going to die I want to die happy."
She takes all her clothes off and shouts, "Is there any man here who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A guy stands up and takes his shirt off and says "Yeah -- iron that."
65
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, 'How is this possible?'
The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
66
A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been ?"
"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."
"Spectacular!" the man replies.
"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and then there's me with the damn piccolo.
"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and then there's me with the damn piccolo.
"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit..and then there's me with the damn piccolo!"
67
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an
adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
68
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?"asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart ?"
69
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
70
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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