41
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, so his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
Hearing this, her family rushed into the room and saw the following note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed,
Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
A think tank researching the ability of humans to survive under extreme circumstances received a multinational grant to study what in a person's background increased or decreased his capacity to survive in the wild. Selecting an American, a Frenchman, and a Japanese for the program, the researchers assigned them specific tasks. The American was put in charge of shelter, the Frenchman in charge of food, and the Japanese in charge of supplies.
42
Flying the men to a desert island, the researchers left them there for six months. Returning to the island, the group was surprised
to find a beautiful house on the beach. Entering, they were greeted by the American who showed them around. They were impressed with what he'd done: the floors were snuggly fitted planks, the walls coated with homemade paint, and the thatched roof leak proof. Venturing into the kitchen, they were welcomed by the Frenchman, who showed them a larder stocked with meats, vegetables, fish, coconut milk, fruits, and other comestibles. Out back, he had erected a pen for keeping wild pigs he
had caught, and he had grown a substantial garden.
"And tell me," said the leader of the research group, "where is our Japanese friend?" "Well, sir," said the American, "the truth is, we haven't seen him since we landed."
Concerned, the scientists hastily formed a search party and ventured into the woods to find him. No sooner had they set out than the Oriental leaped from a tree and shouted. "Supplize!"
43
3 men sat on a ledge of the building they were doing construction work on each man opened his lunch box... the Mexican says Man! Tacos again... if she gives me tacos one more time I am gonna jump off this ledge! the Italian opens his lunch box's and says man spaghetti if she gives me spaghetti one more time I am gonna jump off this ledge! The American opens his box and says man baloni if I get baloni one more time I am gonna jump off this ledge. So the next day they sit down to lunch and the Mexican opens his box tacos!!! so he jumps... the Italian opens his box Spaghetti!!! so he jumps... the American opens his box..... baloni!!! so he jumps...the next day at the funeral the Mexican wife says if only he had told me that he didn't want tacos.... the Italian wife says if only he had told me that he didn't want spaghetti... the American wife cried and said he fixed his own dam lunch.
44
The bartender said to Mr. Jones, Bet I can make you do an impression of a. train. "
Being a gambling man, Jones lay five bucks on the counter.
"Try your best."
"Knock-knock. "
"Who's there?"
"Chooch."
"Chooch who?"
The bartender smiled and pocketed the money. Angry at having been taken, Jones glanced at a black man sitting at the end of the bar. Moseying over, he said, "Hey . . . five bucks says I can make you do an impression of a train."
The black man shrugged and placed his money on the table.
"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"Chooch."
"Who be Chooch?"
45
Newly arrived in Beverly Hills from Mississippi, Rufus got a job as a gardener. At the end of his first day on the job, he knocked on the door and his boss, Mr. Mayer, answered. "Missuh Mayuh, suh, you know where I kin find me sum hose? Mayer shrugged. "We keep it in the garage, "Ah," Rufus sighed, "thass Bev'ly Hills for yuh. In Mississippi, ah hadda go all the way to street co'nuh".
46
"I don't understand," asked the ditzy accountant. "If your selling these computers way under cost, how are you showing a profit?"
"Simple," said the businessman. "We make our money fixing them".
47
The accountant came to work looking more bedraggled than any of his coworkers had ever seen him. Finally his boss took him aside.
"Barry," he said, "you look like hell. What's wrong?"
"Sorry," he replied, "I just couldn't get to sleep last night."
Trying to be helpful, Barry's boss said, "Why didn't you try counting sheep?"
"I did," he answered, "and that was the problem.
I made a mistake, and it took me the rest of the night to find it."
48
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"
To which the mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones's for a couple hours."
49
Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, b ut that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room, It's the elevator!"
50
Runner Jim Simpson was the oldest man ever to compete in the Olympics. Granting an inter- view prior to the big match, the eighty-year-old told the reporter that he didn't consider himself extraordinary at all.
"Heck," he said, "my dad's 102 and still runs a farm . . . and the only reason he ain't here is 'cause he's best man at the wedding of my I2O-year-old grandad."
"Amazing," said the reporter. "I can't imagine someone wanting to get married at that age."
"Want nuthin'," said Simpson. "Grandad has to get married."
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that *you* were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
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