1
Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home ! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed alone." His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?"
As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married!"
2
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
3
One day, a girl walk to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
4
Hortense was watching the local news and turned to her husband, who was involved in a crossword puzzle. "Darling," she said, "did you hear that? A man in New York swapped his wife for a season pass to the Islanders' games. Would you do a thing like that?" "Heck, no," he replied. "The season's half over."
Two young men are walking down Fifth Avenue. One says, "Look at that gorgeous redhead in that short red skirt."
They walk on, and the young man says, "Wow! Take a gander at that blonde in those tight blue slacks."
They continue, and first young man says, "Holy cow ! Feast your eyes on that brunette in the..."
The second young man says, "Is that all you can think about ? Clothes ?"
5
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Bob was worried about his wife's hearing so he visited the doctor. The doctor gave him step-by-step instructions on how to
determine how serious the problem was.
Later, when he got home he saw his wife in front of the oven. He stood in the doorway and said "Honey what are we having for dinner tonight?" No answer. He then moved three steps closer and said it again just like the doctor told him to, and still no answer. He moved three more steps and now he was right behind her. He shouted "HONEY WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER TONIGHT?"
His wife says, "For the third time, meatloaf you deaf Bastard!"
6
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
7
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. and stay home at night !"
A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, "Lady, what you really want is a television set !"
Two old friends met on the street. The one noticed that the other was sporting a black eye.
"Bill, what on earth happened to you"? said John.
"Well", said Bill, my wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."
The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off ?"
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
8
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag.
Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'"
9
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!
The chief is appalled, and asks, "My god almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!"
10
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
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