21
This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no manhas gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed.
He asked his guide who this man was.
"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."
"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.
"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
He said, " 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"
22
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
He said, "Damn if I know."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.
She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"
23
A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.
He looks at his mother and says, "Look momma...I'm a white boy."
His mama slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy go show your daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His daddy slaps him on the face too and says, "Boy, go show your grandma."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says, "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "well, did you learn something from all of this?"
The boy shakes his head and says, "I sure nuff did. I've only been a white boy for a five minutes and I already hate you black people."
24
There is a blind man on his way to Texas. He is on the airplane, and he is in First Class. He goes to his seat, and feels them, they are huge. He asks the stewardess "Aren't these seats kinda' big?"
She replies "Oh, everything's bigger in Texas."
Then he gets to Texas, and he goes to his room. He walks, and walks And didn't hit the wall for a few minutes, and he was walking in a straight line. He asks the Bellboy "Isn't this room kinda' big?"
The Bellboy replies "Yes, everything's bigger in Texas."
Then he gets thirsty after a little while, and goes down to the bar, And orders a little glass of beer. The Bartender gives him a gallon big glass. The blind man feels it, and says "I said a SMALL glass."
The Bartender says "Everything's bigger in Texas."
So after the blind man finishes the big Texas beer, he asks "Where's the restrooms?"
The Bartender says "The third door on the right."
The blind man is walking, feeling the doors, and he trips. He goes to The 4TH door instead of the 3rd. The 4th door goes right out to the pool. The blind man opens the door, and falls in, thinking it was the restroom. He falls, looks frantic, waves his arms, and yells "DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!
25
A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a local stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
26
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
27
A Russian man finds a magic lamp, he rubs it and a Genie comes out.
You have one wish, he says.
O.K. My one wish would be to pee vodka.
Your wish has now been granted says the Genie.
So the Russian man goes home and pees in a glass. Ah, it smells like vodka and it look like vodka, so he tries it. Yes it tastes like vodka.
His wife comes home, get me two glasses. She tries the vodka, yes it looks like vodka and it smells like vodka, so they both have a drink.
The next evening his wife gets home. Bring me two glasses, they drink the vodka again.
The next evening when his wife comes home, he says bring me one glass.
She is a little upset, have you found a new lover?.
No my darling tonight you drink from the Bottle!!
28
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
29
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
30
An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.
Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"Fer fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair go, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."
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