| |
|
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard
In married life, three is company, and two, none.
- Oscar Wilde
They flaunt their conjugal felicity in one's face, as if it were the most
fascinating of sins.
- Oscar Wilde
Damn it, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for
pleasure.
- Oscar Wilde
My wife and I were happy for twenty years - then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet.
- Robin Williams
I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we are making love?"
He said, "I don't want to wake you up."
- Joan Rivers
Sex drive: a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
- Robert Byrne
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you
said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
- Helen Roland
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.
- Emo Phillips
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a
parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
- Marie Corelli
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- Carl Friedrich Gauss, when informed that his wife was dying
My wife has a slight speech impediment. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jack Durante
A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same
thing.
- Duane Dewel
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few
steps ahead is the one that's mad.
- Helen Rowland
I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment.
- Alan Bennett
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Groucho Marx
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed
the divorce papers.
- Woody Allen
The five worst infirmities that afflict the female are indocility, discontent,
slander, jealousy and silliness.
- Confucian marriage manual
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
- Tony Curtis
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
- Les Dawson
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we
had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce,
never.
- Jack Benny
A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas.
- Alice Glynn
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henry Youngman
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a
few times.
- Rita Rudner
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to
annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage; they've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
- Rita Rudner
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too
late.
- Max Kaufman
The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do.
- HL Mencken
If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship
recognized by the police.
- Robert Louis Stevenson.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland
When a man makes a woman his wife, it's the highest compliment he can pay her,
and it's usually the last.
- Helen Rowland
Before marriage, a man will lay down his life for you; after marriage he won't
even lay down his newspaper.
- Helen Rowland
Damnit sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't be always living for
pleasure.
- Oscar Wilde
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling
out an eel.
- Leonardo Di Vinci
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may
concern.
- Mickey Rooney
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one
didn't.
- Patrick Murray
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
- Louis Saffan
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- Henry Louis Mencken
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more
interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the
triumph of hope over experience.
- Oscar Wilde
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been
looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.
- Sam Levenson |
|
|
