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His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce
The terrifying power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the
fact that someone was willing to father you.
- Ipso Fatso
Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest
knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
- Oscar Wilde
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to.
- Gypsy Rose Lee
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years
I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
- Wendy Leibman
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the
stork.
- Irving Brecher
My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met
yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
- Dame Edna Everage
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris
Do not join encounter groups. If you enjoy being made to feel inadequate, call
your mother.
- Liz Smith
However much you dislike your mother-in-law, you must not set fire to her.
- Ernest Wilde
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
- W.C. Fields
Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn't everything.
She was wrong about other things, too.
- Gerald Barzan
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on
the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck
The best thing that could happen to motherhood already has. Fewer women are
going into it.
- Victoria Billinger
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them
were just napping.
- Rita Rudner
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you
looking at?
- Margaret Smith
Picasso was a delightful, kindly, friendly, simple little man. When I met him he
was extremely excited and overjoyed that his mother-in-law had just died, and he
was looking forward to the funeral.
- Edith Sitwell
I love children - especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
- Nancy Mitford
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
- Buddy Hackett
Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.
- Sholom Aleichem
Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it
faster, too.
- Lionel Kauffman
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen
to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
- Jim Carrey
He that hath no fools, knaves, or beggars in his family that was begot by a
flash of lightning.
- Thomas Fuller
Our ancestors are very good kind of folks, but they are the last people I should
choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.
- Richard Brinsley Sheridan
Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.
- John Ciardi
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
- Tom Snyder
Not only is there a skeleton in every closet, but there is a screw loose in
every skeleton.
- Samuel Butler II
One of the best things people could do for their descendants would be to sharply
limit the number of them.
- Olin Miller
I never met a kid I liked.
- W.C. Fields
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our
children.
- Clarence Darrow |
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