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With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd
start now.
Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his
eyesight?
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor. Which is probably more than
she ever did.
Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and
find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.
Woman says, "I've never been so insulted in my entire life." Groucho replies,
"Well, it's early yet."
If that isn't an insult, I don't know what is.
Either he's dead, or my watch has stopped.
Don't look now. But there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
Why your one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen and that's not saying
much for you.
I'm sick of these conventional marriages. 'One woman, one man' was good enough
from your Grandmother, but who wants to marry your Grandmother? Nobody. Not even
your Grandfather.
I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with
it.
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when
you arrived.
You've got the brain of a 4-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of
it.
Groucho, singing: The last man nearly ruined this place. He didn't know what to
do with it. If you think this country is bad off now, just wait 'til I get
through with it.
Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against
you?
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here.
- On his brother, Chico
There were three things that Chico was always on - a phone, a horse, or a broad.
- On his brother, Chico.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with
laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I didn't like the play but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain
was up
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He
really is an idiot.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with
the cows till you come home.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go
into the other room and read a book.
I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like
mine: We were both crazy about girls.
I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf
course.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it
incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
It is not necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east
is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like
applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now
you tell me what you know.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you
than you do!
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf
course.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as
written in our contract.
My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it
actually tells you something.
Classic Groucho Marx putdowns from Duck Soup:
Mrs. Teasdale: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open
arms.
Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?
Mrs. Teasdale: I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most
able statesman in all Freedonia.
Firefly: Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say! You cover a lot of ground
yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an
office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get
a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute
and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must
have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Mrs. Teasdale: The future of Freedonia rests on you. Promise me you will follow
in the footsteps of my husband.
Firefly: How do you like that? I haven't been on the job five minutes and
already she's making advances to me.
Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Firefly: Oh, I see. Then, it was murder.
Trentino: I've said enough. I'm a man of few words.
Firefly: I'm a man of one word: scram!
Firefly: Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot
stove, but I can't see the stove.
He asks for a lock of her hair, "I'm letting you off easy - I was gonna ask for
the whole wig."
Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, the Ambassador's here on a friendly visit. He's
had a change of heart.
Firefly: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania.
Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.
Trentino: Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
Firefly: That's even a greater pleasure.
Trentino: Your Excellency? Haven't we seen each other somewhere before?
Firefly: I don't think so. I'm not sure I'm seeing you now. It must be something
I ate.
Trentino: Look here Sir, are you trying to...?
Firefly: Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think
it's you.
Secretary of War: I give all my time and energy to my duties and what do I get?
Firefly: You get awfully tiresome after a while.
Secretary of War: Sir, you try my patience!
Firefly: I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine sometime.
Secretary of War: That's the last straw. I resign! I wash my hands of the whole
business.
Firefly: That's a good idea. You can wash your neck, too.
Firefly: I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Chicolini: Peanuts - to you.
Firefly: Have you got a license?
Chicolini: License? No, but a-my dog - he's got a-millions of 'em. Believe me,
he's some smart dog. You know he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole.
Firefly: I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.
Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency. I really don't know what to say.
Firefly: I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. (To
Trentino) Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest
something. To me you suggest a baboon.
Trentino: What!
Firefly: I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons. |
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