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My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well
that taught me a lesson'.
- Ken Dodd
Chess is the most elaborate waste of human intelligence outside of an
advertising agency.
- Raymond Chandler
The only educational aspect of television is that it puts the repair man's kids
through college.
- Joan Welsh
Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.
- Sholom Aleichem
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have
put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a
voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
- Charlie Brown
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east
is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like
applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now
you tell me what you know.
- Groucho Marx
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.
- Jack London
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill
He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty.
- Thomas P. Gore
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common
objects that he could think of, and had screamed: "You lamp! You towel! You
plate!" and so on.
- Sigmund Freud
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness.
- David Shipman
No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.
- Rob Wagner
The Metropolitan Police Force is abbreviated to Met to give more members a
chance of spelling it.
- Mike Barfield.
I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a
member of the human race. That's bad enough for me.
- Mark Twain
The idea of Prince Charles conversing with vegetables is not quite so amusing
when you remember that he's had plenty of practice chatting to members of his
own family.
- Jaci Stephens
I think she's come to London to get a pair of pliers to get the splinters from
her husbands' backside, he's sat on the fence so long.
- Terry Dicks on Jordan's King Hussein's wife Queen Noor
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
- Andrew Lang
His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of
nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap.
- Irving Stone on William Jennings Bryan |
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